A Child Will Lead Them
During my son’s last intervention he turned to the interventionist and said, “ I will go, if she goes.” He pointed to me. He was nineteen.
He and I had been crawling - not walking - through hell for years. He was carrying tons of pain, boatloads of grief, and layers of emotions ignored. Yet, despite the weight of what he was carrying, he was the wisest person in the room.
In a nanosecond I knew he knew. What he knew was this:
The years of trauma and grief caused by the current, crushing heartbreak and generations of addiction was also killing me, slowly and clearly
That what I was doing - 12 step recovery, therapy - was important and not enough
If I did not start going deeper, neither of us were going to make it
I said “game on”. He went. I followed.
I went to a 30 day trauma-focused program and upped my therapeutic game when I returned home. I began an emotional archeological-dig exploring layer upon layer of patterns and beliefs, and beginning the process of taking accountability for mistakes I made and the even more difficult process of forgiving myself. Each layer of healing took me deeper into sorrow, shone a light on the broken shards I needed to lovingly acknowledge, and encouraged me to radically accept my gifts and humanness.
Two and a half years later, my son and I walk a parallel process of healing with plenty of guides sharing their maps; we have different yet converging paths. Here are 3 observations I have made along the way:
The beloved family member who suffers from a substance use disorder and/or struggles with mental health is not THE problem. They are typically acting out unacknowledged pain that exists in the family culture; they are the canary in the mine-shaft.
It is not enough to find and provide resources for the identified family member who is most obviously suffering. We are all suffering. We must all do our inner work if long-term, family healing is truly the goal.
As family members, we can not slap a diagnosis on someone, expect them to get and stay well if the waters they swim in and return to are filled with emotional and relational toxins and poisons, most of which go unrecognized. Regardless of education, socioeconomic status, the cost of the shoes we wear or where we vacation (if we vacation), all families and all family members have stuff that needs to get cleaned up. Stuff that keeps us trapped in patterns that harm us and others.
And, so I ask you these questions:
1) Are you willing to go on the same journey you are asking your son or daughter, parent or partner to go?
2) Are you ready to come home to yourself and begin the lifelong adventure of healing?
Take a moment to sit with these questions and be as honest as you know how to be. Take some time to journal those questions out, or to sit and meditate on what it is you think and feel in response.